Hi all....
sorry for the late update...
house computer is down and now i am blogging using office computer...
the time now is 9.25pm.... and i am still at office alone...
my event is still going on. lucky just now, Ms E have help me on running the event with me..

been feeling down recently... so many choices to make, so little time to think....
my job has been really unstable due to that, my manager and ms. E have left the company. so i have been back to square 1... finding jobs again.
my relationship is on the rock now. no idea where are we heading after this 2 years plus. He said that I am not mature enough....
what is mature?
how can one tell if he/she is mature?
based on what?
based on own expectation?
then how can one meet his/her expectation, without telling out?
i felt so tired and stress.
i have to chose a job which will determine my life career. without any helping hand.
my life partner, my boyfriend is not there to provide me support and positive comment.
And when there is mistake. i have to be blame.
i felt no sense of security with him. i felt that he is leaving me to sink.

why is it that, i must always learn through the hard way.?
i know that through hardship, one can be strong.
but i don't wish to be strong. i wish to hide and be shelter in my comfort zone.

my job.. my job..
i love love my job. i am so happy to be working here at, BTP.
but why. why. happiness always don't last long.

why am i the only one, in my age, to feel like that. so lost. so afraid of the future. so afraid to make the wrong choice.
why is it people around me, are so sure of their choice? or are they acting? are they actually also feeling insecure of their future? or is it, that they just chose not to face it, and just let where their life lead them to be. ?

so many question. so many choice to make. but i just can't depend on others. but myself.
i know the fact that, life choice has to be make by myself.
but i just wish to share it out and hope that my Mr.M can at least, lend me a shelter to hide or even lend me a shoulder to lean on.
but he wasn't there. He just say that, my thinking is inmature.
am i?
why does he have to make me feel so small.. so native... beside him.
but this is me. i'm only 21 going to 22 this year.
how should i behave or think, den i can be compatible with him?

i just felt that, after coming back from aust... people just see me differently.
see me, as someone who can't manage big problem, someone who can't handle stress, someone who can't be street smart, someone who can't live abroad alone, someone who can't make big decision.
it just a mistake i made, but why people treat me like that..
the more i think....
i think i am really becoming that someone... because of how the people around me, made me to think this way.
but I AM NOT!

i felt so tired proofing people that i am not. so i just start to become this way.
just becoming who they say, i am to be...

i'm just trying to be perfect in everyWAY i can ... unknowingly..
i think, the main problem, is just that, i want Mr.M to love me, for who i am. no matter weak or strong.
but he don't. he just too alike with me. full of expectation that i must hit... or else... i will be label as imature...

i know all the comfort, ppl will say, ignore what other say, just be yourself.
but this is already me.