Princess : Grace Ng aka Enny
Age : 21
D.O.B : 12th August 1986

To be Happy always!!
To be Contented
To be Nice!!

...MY MOOD

Grace Currently feels

...ENTERTAINMENT

ICE ANGEL
XIAXUE
SASSYJAN
BLINKYMUMMY
DAWNYANG

...DARLINKS

XIAOLING
EILEEN
LI XUAN
TCSSPMJ

May 2007

June 2007

July 2007

August 2007

September 2007

October 2007

November 2007

December 2007

January 2008

February 2008

April 2008

May 2008

June 2008

July 2008

August 2008

September 2008

October 2008

...TAGBOARD

...MUSIC

...CREDITS

layout design, coding, photo-editing,

by ice angel

Brushes- 1| 2
actual image- 1

Do we want to pursue our dreams? or give it up?
because dreams can't fill our desire for money. haha...

i did get two job offer from both company. But until now, i still not yet found the job i really really wanted to do. !

i have to admit to myself. i have yet to found what i really want to do for now. because if i happened to browse through the website of uni studies. sometimes. ok. sometimes, i did pause awhile to think, if i should continue to study.
but no no no. i must stop myself from that. because.... to think of study is because it is a better place to be with, rather then now. so no way.
i have to definately find myself a job that i really want to be in and try it out. because once i did, i will surely know if i like the field, so if i do. i will really know what i need to study and head towards my goal.

but... ya... say it, is easier then really doing it.!

sometimes, i look through those job description about the kind of person they are looking for, i find myself not really up to their standard. because usually they will say, must speak and write english fluently. but everytime i think of that... my O levels english result will appear before my eyes with the big C6, right smack at my face!.

well... i can't possible retake my O levels result for english... the though of writing the composition.... cannot...
really cannot...

pray for a better tml. pray to be happier. pray to be more content with what i have.

PUSH

-when are you coming back? ;

ya, i am a person, who is always asking more in everykind of relationship. BGR, Friendship and even kinship.

i always asking and asking for more.
asking them to understand me, loves me, be there for me. is always me me me.
i can't help it.
this is me.
the though of letting go and stop asking for more is hard.
it really feel like i am sorry for myself. because. if i don't ask for more, that means it is unfair for me. because i am a person who will throw myself into someone who i am in love with. i will love the person so much that i will lose myself in it. i will wear so so so many mask, just to make the person happy. because once he is happy. i am happy.

that is why, my mind and heart cannot be one. haha...
mind is the logical. telling me to ask for more.
heart is the emotion. loving someone with all my heart.

i must tell myself. give me some time. i won't let Mr. M be another wall anymore. because if i really can't break through the wall, i will simply walk it through by the side.

the only thing i need is determination.

yes. i agreed with you. love is simple. because all i asked is happy.
as long as, when i am sad, encourage me.
when it is raining, send me a sms asking, did i manage to run e rain?
when i am bored, cheer me up by sending me some stupid jokes
when i am about to sleep, give me lots of night kisses and sweet dreams
when i am down, take an ugly pic of urself and send to me and say " i am uglier, happy?"

-when are you coming back? ;

Everybody expectation is so high. why do we need to push ourselves to fulfill other people expectations?

is so hard to be me. i always felt that there is nothing left to say about my situation. because the more i say, people will see it as an excuse.
so whatever. i am going to stop being me.
people say that i am irresponsible then so be it. because when you are responsible, people will take it for granted.
i am so seriously hack care.
somehow i really really wish to be what they say that i was. because it will be much easier for me.

ya. i will run run run far far away into neverland.

-when are you coming back? ;

I'm looking for a attention, not another question
should you stay, or should you go?
hey, if you don't have the answer, why are you still standing here?
hey hey hey hey, just walk away

just walk away, just walk away

i waited here for you like a kid waiting after school
so tell me, how come you never showed?
i gave you everything and never asked for anything
and looked at me, i'm all alone

so before you start defending
stop all your pretending
i know you know i know, so what's the point in being slow?

i want a love, i want a fire to feel the burn, my desires
i want a man by my side, not a boy who runs and hides
are you gonna fight for me, die for me, live and breathe for me?
do you care for me? 'cause if you don't then just leave!

i'm looking for attention not another question
should you stay or should you go?
well if you don't have the answer, why are you still standing here?
hey hey hey hey, just walk away

if you don't have the answer
walk away, walk away, walk away, walk away

-when are you coming back? ;

hmm... finally.
kinda out of my house recently, because i have started to look for jobs. this early morning, i have a 9am interview at harbourfront centre. yes. i mean 9am.
what the hell.... i don't mind that it is a 9am interview. but the stupid office is so damn hard to find. harbourfront centre? isn't it a shopping centre? so i actually walk toward harbourfront towers instead. cause it is an office building. make more sense. but when i actually walked over. it turn out that harbourfront towers have two!. idiot. that is so freaking stupid of me. i should just believe that, it is harbourfront centre.
so i walked back instead. and. my feet are killing me.!!!

after i found the office, i though things will also be ok... i mean. its just a interview. there is nothing so dreadful about. but there is!
the stupid lady that interview me is so so so... no words can describe about her. cause she literatly keep focusing on my weakness.. when she ask me about my Olevels english result and i told her that i got C6. she actually frown and say, "very bad right?" wt...hell....
and when she ask me how much i expect for my salary, and i replied her, 1.6-1.8k. she replied me with a shock on her face, as if, i told her that tomorrow is the end of the world.! and she keep repeating" 1.6k? no experience. 1.6k? no experience?.1.6k? no experience????" 3 TIMES!
and i have to keep my pride. so i replied her with my even shock face and said, "ya." 1 TIME.

Well... i feel a sense of relieved when i came out of the office. hmm... even though, i really quite like the job scope except, the reply email and write letter part. which i know, i will be mentally challenge by ENGLISH. hai~

than after that i went for an interview with St Regis. everything is ok.

but after 3 interview with 3 different company. it somehow seems that guys interviewer are better than ladies. cause they treat me better and they are not very hurry or bad. they let you feel at ease when interviewing. hmm... but well. maybe not all cases ba.

and one more thing that i notice. those office man, usually carried those big school bag to work. while dress smartly. hmm.. abit. weird. haha.

today i went to see licence to wed. suppose to see it with Mr. M. so wanted to see it with him. but after all this happening stuff. i also don't really know what to do. i must admit that it actually really influence my feeling this whole period. even during interviewing. cause i really being very frank about what i think and what i want. but ya, there is some part of dishonest. when they ask me what is my weakness. haha. almost blur it out. lucky i still kinda of awake to know what to say.

the show wasn't really up to what i expect it to say about. i think when i going through all this relationship problems and sees couples movie. it really make me feeling like scolding wt...
at how dramatic the couple can easily solve the problems and the guys do what the ladies wanted. how can man understand what we actually want?

argg... whatever.

-when are you coming back? ;

i have already see and understand Mr. M character. well... is not that i can't see who he actually was and is. but the fact is I choose not to see.
the truth is always hurtful to know.
so. since i cannot move forward nor backward in my relationship. i shall just move to the side. and watch it go by.
suddenly just feel like singing FIR "i don't care"

and...
thanks for being there.

"na`na`na`
i dont care
no more care
na~na~na"

-when are you coming back? ;

is already 21th August already~
Time past real fast when you are busy, but real slow when i am doing nothing. haha.

In a relationship, can love and pride co-exit together?
For example. if a couple quarrel, usually, for most cases. the ladies will prefer the guys to apology even if it is not their mistake. hmm. maybe that is the extreme cases. okok. eh.
not to apology but to be the first one who will cool down and say" hey, let talk about it".
From this situation, we can see that the guy will have to let down their pride first in order to make peace. or is it really love ?

but usually it is not the case for me. no matter is it love or pride. i lose on both end on Mr. M.
Because, he will used the ultimate solution to get out of this sticky situation which is keep quiet. Yesterday, the argurement that we had was not a very big issue. i can see his point of view, and i acknowledge it. but that does not mean that i have to do according to what he say. I also have my point of view. the main point of why i am angry over the quarrel that we had was because i am the one who is always putting down my pride, my anger, my unreasonable temper, my uncontrollable emotion!. just to speak nicely to him and find out why is he still angry when we have already settle our problem.
i have already put down all the "typical unreasonable girlfriend behaviour" just to be reasonable. this is so so so irony. and the main point is he don't get it. and now. he had the "most uncommon unreasonable boyfriend behaviour". what is going on?
is it because too good to your bf become bad for yourself? than what is love?
Anyway, i am not angry or mad at myself nor him.
i just found myself having disappointment and hack care behaviour now for Mr.M. this is just a temp remedy for me.
i always remember my econs lecturer once say," if you treat your man like a diamond, they will treat you like shit. so if you treat your man like shit. they will treat you like diamond. "

i always find myself landed in this kind of situation where, i find that my lightbulb is on, but not Mr. M. so his is off. and when i finally decide to off my lightbulb. Expectedly. his lightbulb is on because he realised his mistake. but me on the other end will be off,because i am unhappy. and will definately take advantage of his good. and he will become unhappy of my unreasonable behaviour and his bulb will be off again. so mine will be on again. hai~ confusing and tiring.

so the only solution to get out of this circle is to on ur bulb the whole time. but thinking of that, wouldn't it abit unfair to urself?

hmm.... so how?

Love is not selfish, not unreasonable, not taken for granted, trust in each other and loving each other unconditionally. if both party do their part and understand Love. by than, i will be out of this circle.

but by when?
haha....i also don't know. me no love expert
:p

-when are you coming back? ;

i just had a gathering with my group of secondary old school pals.
yup. went for steamboat and some catching up news sharing.
hmm. is not that i am not close to my secondary school fren, is just hmm.... i can't be myself if i am with them, there are some thing i can't just say, they will think different. but i know they want me to be myself. but if i be myself, i can't take some of their character. so ....
is just character clash. haha. but anyway, is not a big deal, is not like i hate them or what. but friends are friends. they are always the group of people that help me to analyse and care about me most.

Anyway, i was wonder is it because some people went to the wrong path and people see them in different light.
people sees them as a grave mistake and should not be given a chance to redeem anymore. this sound serious. but it is. People always say, "oh ya, i always support you". but deep inside they always have doubt on you.
now i understand why the ex con, think that the society look at them at a different light.
because it is true. mistake are always remember and not forget. forgiven but not forgotten.

i always ask my mom why, is it whenever i quarrel with my all boyfriend, no matter is it now or last time, i am always the one that cry so hard and frequent. my mom just reply me, because i take the relationship seriously.
i realised that, is not i always stress easily. but the fact is because i always take all small things seriously. i know life is short, why take all things seriously. but the fact is, life is short. why can't we just make our best for everything.
whatever things we do, we should always do until our best, so is my relationship.

but this does not seem to be the view of everybody.
everybody though that i am weak instead of strong.
sometimes, i always think that life is so unfair to me.
why is no one being through what i being, and stand out to say that, being me is not easy at all.


who is to judge me that i am weak?

-when are you coming back? ;

stop.
stop. the things that i am thinking now. stop.
stop. complaining about everything.
stop. thinking that life is very bad to me.
stop. making urself feeling useless.
stop. being that unhappy girl in that corner.
stop. feeling moody, restless and put that yanking face away.
stop. thinking that i am still at square one, where others are already at square ten.

stop. unhappiness
stop. moodiness
stop. feeling useless. stop
stop.

-when are you coming back? ;

while. i am half eating my "21st birthday cheese cake that Mr. M insisting on buying because he want to sing a birthday song for me" and typing this posting at the same time.
sometimes i do that because i scare that my train of thoughs will be forgotten if i eat finish that piece of cake. ha! it may sound lame to you, but well. that me.

well. it is quite a few days since my last entry.
ok, i have been staying at home, if i am out, i am also coming home as early as 10pm. so... ya. many ppl ask me, if i enjoy my bday celebration, or what i intended to do. but er... the answer could be just so so. i mean, its better that i nv go out and had anything at all to compare~

anyway, lets skip that whole session of can't go out and all every other small little single things due to august.

nvm. anyway. i have been thinking about the future and the situation that i am stuck now. i mean now maybe is the hardest period of my life, cause everything just crash together. after this thing, i got to find a job. save money. get married. applied for flats. and well everything.
saying is easy. but now. i am still at the starting point of the boardgame of game of life.

i wanted to do events. but the things is finding one is hard. and my friends all recommend me to do mice events will be better. i think i am just afraid of the first step of the job and the begining where, you got to ask everybody how to do this and that, and they will probably show you that kind of "irritating faces". i just hope that i can faster go through that phrase.

i wanted to join SQ too. but hmm. i don't think that will suit my future plan. but it is a dream though.

i mean i really wish to do somethings now, rather than be at home. but the thing is if later my job got bad and i start complaining. argg... i just hate myself of being like that.

and really really pray hard and i must keep telling myself that august is really working. he is really going to walk. but in the end, if he can't, what am i suppost to do?

but anyway. i am going out this thursday with my secondary school friends. finally.
ok.
detail is
meeting at bugis 7.30pm.
just call each other if you reach already.
we will be having steamboat.

another thing to mention about is. i saw my punggol new house already. no. we do not have the keys yet. but the building are already up and there are corridoor light. so we just went in. the house was lovely. shiny floor tiles, long living/dining area and there are the window that reaches the floor at the living area. but i just find that the window is not really enough for the living area. my second sis room was big but only 3window panel. mine was better, i have 5panel. but some of my room space was eaten up by the master bed room. oh. our room was timber strip flooring. so it got the kind of condomium feeling. the walk way to our room was long also. my parent room was the best. they got the bird eye view. its just the whole area infront of their room was window all the way. and the window is full height window. can u image it? wow. nice nice.
but the bad thing is the kitchen. it is as small as a square. haha.
but anyway that is really really nice. but don't know how it actually feel if we really move over. will we miss my ubi home?


PUSH.august.

-when are you coming back? ;

do anybody out there like irritating, loud, noisy, playful kids?

well.. hmm. i don't.
this is not a stupid question.

i mean, they are children, so we as, hmm. young adults. shouldn't be so serious with them.
but sometimes. i just can't take it.
they behave as if, they have no manners.
i really feel like shouting at them " ssshhhuuuuppp up!, shoot go away"
but the thing is. they are not mine.

i always like this joke alot.
there is this man that is on the airplane. and there are kids running around him. so until time later. he can't take it anymore. and he just say to one of the children. could you please play outside.

hahaa.. ya. its a cold joke.

anyway. the though of good and naughty kids sometimes set me thinking. wondering if other ppl like me, dislike naughty kids.
but what if one day. i have naughty kids. without realising it.
oh man. i would really kill myself.

i mean, seriously.

-when are you coming back? ;

things in fact don't really look that bad as i have describe...
ya. maybe is just how i look at it.

yup. i miss yesterday primary school, wee xiang bday chalet. and i think some of friends are not really very happy. but well. will try to make it up. i guess... in the future. and yes. today. i miss the church service again. yup. not the first time. and yes. today i nv go for the FOP. cause, afterall. infact if i really go. my mom can't and if my sister really going to take care. well it would be troublesome and ya ya. etc.

but anyway. i realised that after all this complaint after complaint. ya, i can see that M is trying very hard not to be angry with me. yup yup.

hmm. yup. i call up the bank and ask about all those necssary paper work thing for my cancelation of the bank loan. hai~ i will spare u all, or even me for writing out the details. is way too.... boring and tiring to type about it.

oh ya. another thing was, hey hey hey. i just check the website of singaporeair. yup. they are recuriting again.
25 and 26 Aug.
9am - 1pm.
raffles city. swissotel the stamford.
4th level. atrium ballroom.

hmm... still considering. to go or not.
cause well... ya. there is a lot of things to think about and compare.
but anyway.
i am tired today.
i heard that kelly and eileen is coming my house tomorrow for swimming.
is that true?

-when are you coming back? ;

my mood is killing me~~

lots of lots of up and down. hmm. let me correct myself. is lots of anger and anger!

M is really killing me! i think i am really really going to hit my head against the wall! i don't understand why this bloody breathing walking "thing" does not seem to understand each word that is coming out of my mouth. am i speaking unknown foreign language?? i am speaking plain sin-lish.
there must be something wrong. it must be my unknown language or else it would be his barldy hell ears that is having something wrong. don't he understand that this matter is not about me. but US.

yup. all of you out there, listen up to what had happened.

i have ask my sister to take care of my dog, due to.. M's sister is organising a dinner for his dad birthday. But he had refused the offered because he is not happy about what happened last time, about the rushing to get home to look after my dog, half way if my sister start to complaint. but the thing is, i had asked my sister, long before tomorrow will come to take care of august. and after long thinking and planning. she agreed. and now. not only she can take care, but my mom suddenly is free to take care too.

but he just refused. he think that i am doing all this because i wanted to go for the chalet. hmm. ya... but there is the tiny winy part of the reason of why i wanted my sister to take care.
i mean, i should not feel anything wrong about it. cause well. my sister is also the owner of august. and the main MAIN reason, why i wanted to be alone with him, so we can spent some couple time.
is that too much to ask??
then he said, after august is recover, we have plentiy of time. ya. i agreed. but the thing is when? after few months? or half a year?
the thing is, it is not him that is going to take care and face him for the whole blardy hell of a week. everyday, 24/7. i have been facing august. even now! when we are together. there is august. there is no i and him now. it is I, HIM, AUGUST.
ya, i know, i am abit over think. it is not as bad as i have describe. but ... i am only hunger for couple times.

and i said to him, can u don't be so petty about the kbox thingy. and move on. cause now, i give my sister time to think and plan. and if she say ok. that means she has plan her way.
but he simply refused. because he is petty and he thinks that my sister will take this thing and complaint again. true but ugly of him.

i mean time for us to be together. than we must take it! while we can. don't he get it?
i mean i can hardly forseen any other good chances to be alone together. since now he got a good reason to let august be in my sister care.

and u know what? my sister is going to redaung? or whatever its spell island from this wednesday to saturday.
is not that i am angry over the idea. but deep inside, i am not very very very happy. seriously.
i think is i choose not to find a reason to be angry with this piece of information that i just heard. but i am just not happy. that maybe sound nicer than angry.

i may be just moody. ya. that sound even nicer.~
whatever.

i am not blaming her.
well. this is what i suppose to do. takin care of august. watching dvds. ya. maybe that will cheer me up.
i must look on the brighter side.
i am so amused. ha!

-when are you coming back? ;

yup yup.
i know. i been trying to blog as always as possible. But as those people that know my characters, is that, they know i am lazy. ha!
but i'm trying. seriously.

hmm. quite a few things happened. but so sadly. yes. i cannot say it out loudly or boldly.
after what had happened. i did think what he say about me. me being too taking every single things too seriously, that i don't even know when is he joking or is he really meaning what he say.
another thing about me that i found out was, i keep giving people the feeling of not telling everything that i really mean. it that really what you all think about me? being taking things too seriously and does not share about most of my actually feelings?

well... i don't know. but well, for one thing that i know. he is not the first person that say such things about me.

i really hope to go clubbing recently. not because of anybody, but to enjoy it. hmm.. cause it had really been a long time since i go clubbing again. i know xl will loves to go with me, so is kelly and Eileen. but i am so sorry guys, i can't at the moment. i must persever. hmm is it spell this way?

but anyway, recently, i been trying to keep my mood happy and be glad of what i have. and taking august too. trying hard not to blame anybody about anything.
been spending my time on harry potter. i am so happy to read finish but at the same time was sad that, there is nothing to go on too. i mean no more further more of the Potters' story.
So. i start to watch his movie again. haha. lucky for me marc got all until the recent movie.

hai~ i don't know what to do for tomorrow. don't know to go for the chalet and fight with him. or just don't go and go back to take care of august. but i know, that my primary school friends will all be curious why i came back, and are all waiting for me to explain. but well. i don't really wish to explain anything. but thought that if my present will be around on this coming chalet. i though things will be easier. but marc don't see it that way. and i am really having problems of explaining it to him. really having difficulties on my part.

hmm, i also need to find time to go out with my secondary school friends. it have been nearly a month since i seen them. and i felt so so bad not going out with them.
and not to say bad things about them. but they are the kind of, really see into actions, but not words.
well, different people, act differently.

all those wrong feelings inside me. hope they disappear quickly.

-when are you coming back? ;